don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
