I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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