So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
