woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
