You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Randomize
