I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
