I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
