walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize