Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
