Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
