You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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