If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
