I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize