I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Randomize
