I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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