he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
