It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
