Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
