Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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