I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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