he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
