My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
