you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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