guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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