yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
