She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
