I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
