We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
