I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
