Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
