im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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