During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
