Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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