4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
