i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
