I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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