@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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