i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Randomize
