don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize