I think scott just propositioned me for sex
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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