Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
