So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
