Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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