I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
