i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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