Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize