Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
