3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Randomize
