If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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