If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize