You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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