o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
