Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
