I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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