Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
