so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
