new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
