i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
