My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
