I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Sober January is a disaster.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
