How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize